Reading Response: Before I Die By Jenny Downham

After starting this book, I’m beginning to put my life in perspective to others’. My small problems seem smaller compared to those of the main character in Before I Die, Tessa. She suffered from a fatal type of cancer since she was 12 years old; it’s been 4 years and she’s not the same person she used to be. It’s different now because she knows she doesn’t have much time left. Knowing death is coming, Tessa has this unshakeable feeling of desperation to experience anything and everything all at once no matter who she hurts.

You’d think in an awful situation like Tessa’s, having a loving friend and a supportive family would be most vital to her, surprisingly it isn’t. It is obvious Tessa adores her family especially her brother Cal and she couldn’t live her best friend Zoey. However, these feelings of love are hidden by other, stronger feelings. Tessa rebels against her parents, speaks rudely to her friends, and struggles to make all of their lives difficult. She puts on this act especially for her father. For example, after weeks of lying in bed Tessa generates a fight out of thin air. “ ‘Well, you’re always acting as if everything I do is wrong.’ He struggles to sit up. ‘I don’t!’ Yeah, do. It’s like I’m not dying properly…’ Dad leans on his elbows to look at me. He looks as if I hit him. ‘Don’t go. Where are you going?’ ‘Away from you.’ “(45)

Not only does Tessa feel the need to hurt the people she loves, injuring innocent strangers seems to satisfy her as well. “ I start with assault, shove my elbow hard into a woman’s back as I get on the bus. She spins round, crazy-eyed.” (119). These random acts of hate seem to be what’s keeping Tessa from falling apart. You see, as I continued reading, I’ve begun to slowly understand her. Being in her condition for so long, her unhappiness has created a wanting of pain on those lucky enough to be healthy. That’s why Tessa undergoes these impulses to create anger and chaos; she wants to feel like she isn’t the only one who is hurting; she wants to know she isn’t the only one dying.

Now, at 16 years old, Tessa isn’t even concerned about destroying herself. She silently leaves home to go to clubs and drink and try drugs; afterwards she sleeps for days. She has this idea that she’s already felt pain and devastation so now nothing can harm her. Tessa is in a trance that seems to be unbreakable. She has a carefree and daring attitude that can only lead to more trouble and complications in her life. Though she takes it to the extreme, I can see where Tessa is coming from. I’ve never had an experience anywhere close to her terrible one, yet because I’m young, I also feel invincible. I know it’s a naïve mindset but I can’t help it. Tessa’s crazy way of rebelling helps her cope with all of the thoughts of dread inside; Feeling unbeatable is just a distraction

When you’re sick like Tessa, you begin to find the simple things less important; simple things like a bad hair day or a failed class at school, things normal teenagers would get upset by. But as time goes on and Tessa lets her mind slip, even the important things like having a family and friends to love you are insignificant. This not-caring attitude will lead to a cycle for Tessa and if it continues, nothing will matter to her and she’ll lose control of her thoughts and actions. Tessa needs to wake up and appreciate what she has before it’s gone; before she realizes it’s too late to make up for her mistake; before she dies alone. 

The Outsiders Coming of Age Reading Response

As a teenager, it’s easy to let thoughts of being invincible take over your life. You begin to feel as if nothing can harm you physically or mentally. But if an enormous, life-changing experience occurs, children and teenagers are forced out of ignorant and naïve mind sets, swiftly thrown into reality. In the story The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton, the main character Ponyboy faces a perilous situation and from it he learns to be more aware of the world; he becomes more mature about the way he handles situations and his life in general.

            As you grow up, it’s natural to act differently than you used to. Some may find themselves speaking with correct grammar or sitting up tall in a chair. Either way, as an adult, usually you have a new and changed attitude towards life. After his incident in which he saves lives and loses some, Ponyboy is a different person. For example, one night, Two-Bit–a friend of Ponyboy’s– takes him out for a soda when a gang of Socs strolls in. Instead of avoiding the trouble like he would have a few weeks ago, Ponyboy speaks straight up to the group standing in front of him. He says, “ ‘You get back in that car or you’ll get split.’ ” (171). For the first time, Ponyboy stood up for himself and his “family” of greasers. This is something he could not have done if he hadn’t been changed by his experience.

            When you’ve really gotten older, things can suddenly change and the world around you may look unlike it did before. You should begin to learn more about the world, sometimes a little more than you’re ready for. Ponyboy learned these things fast, too fast. After his new best friend Johnny passes away, realizations of our vicious and unrewarding world hit him hard. This new weight causes Ponyboy to become extremely depressed to the point where he can’t eat or sleep and even the one thing he’s known best for in his group of greasers–excellent grades–have been slipping. It seems everything that has happened was too overwhelming and he couldn’t seem to cope. Obviously the past event and new, brutal knowledge has greatly affected him.

            Although these recent complications in Ponyboy’s life have changed him in some awful ways, he also has opened his eyes and tried to put himself in others’ shoes, especially his brother Darry. With Darry, Ponyboy has never had the same connection he does with the other greasers. I can feel the tension when they speak to each other not to mention the constant conflict. But after his life changing adventure, Ponyboy looked at his situation differently. He realized that Darry has put so much into keeping his already dysfunctional family together. He’s sacrificed college and sports and gave it his all to ensure that nothing falls apart. In the text, Ponyboy slowly ponders this new revelation. “Darry looked real worried. I suddenly realized …  he had given up a lot for Soda and me.” (176). At this moment, Ponyboy has officially made the transition into basic adulthood; he has thought about someone other than himself.

            So I suppose I’m not quite there yet. I haven’t experienced something that could potentially change my entire world and life. Although I don’t mean to, I often put myself before others but for now, I think that’s all right. Ponyboy was forced into his changes and realizations. I’d rather ease into it slowly so I don’t face some of the terrible side affects Ponyboy did. Either way, as you grow older, yes, the world seems different. But, you can’t let setbacks stop you or harm you, not if you’re strong.

           

Writing Prompt 6- Rebellion

so it’s that time again

I don't know what overtakes me

but,

 the weak can't resist.

it makes a sloppy decision
one we always come to regret

it's not all my fault okay?

what am I doing?

before we all know it,

the world is spinning 

and we look at each other like

we know it's wrong

for some reason it never stops us.

maybe it's that rush or that being stupid

is the same as being young 

in a perfect world

we do what we want and 

can't get hurt

can't get caught 

can't think

and you're back in the morning 

fine.

okay.

until someone whispers

"again"

Coming of Age Prompt 14

What are some questions and concerns you have about growing up and adulthood?

As an adult, am I going to be expected to do everything right?
I know as a teenager, I've been told this is my time to make mistakes and learn from them. I've been told it's better to make them now when they don't really mean anything. Well I'm worried that I'll make huge mistakes in the future; I know myself and it sounds like something I would do. Will I be frowned upon because I've made a mistake as an adult? Are people going to expect me to be perfect?

Will the choices I make now affect my life in the future?
Also, as a teenager, I am frequently spoken to about the future. Maybe, where I'll go to college, the major financial debt I'll be in after college, or how exactly I'm going to choose the right career. Honestly, I would rather not think about the complications and unfortunate situations that are going to come along as an adult. But it seems I have no choice because I'm told that what I choose now – my high school, my extra curricular activities, even the social class I associate myself with – will lead to what my life will look like later. That seems like a lot of pressure; too much actually.

Some other questions I have are:

• Is choosing a career supposed to be easy? I mean, are you supposed to know in your heart you're going to be a singer or a lawyer? Are you supposed to have some sort of a connection to a specific job?
• How will more freedom over the years affect my mind and life? Will I make better choices with more freedom? If I'm giving more freedom now, will I make wiser choices in the future?

Coming of Age Responses

Childhood- My Gmail Account

Starting when I was 7 years old, I desperately wanted to be a grown up. I felt like one, I basically acted like one­ – very mature is what my parents called it. But it wasn’t enough for me. It annoyed me that people didn’t look at me the way I wanted them too. I didn’t get the privileges and things my older friends did, I couldn’t go out by myself. I was a child I had just started hating it.

So, when I convinced my parents to let me create a Gmail account the summer before 3^rd grade, I was ecstatic. This was a big step for me; I was given the permission to chat and send emails to my friends and family, whoever. I could customize my account and truly make it mine.  And for a second, I felt like an adult; I stood a little bit taller.  Although I knew no one would see me differently because of it, I saw myself differently. I now had proof that I was older at heart.

            Now I know this must sound like this is a coming of age moment – I realized something and I changed in some way. Though this moment –Gmail– really represented and defined most of my childhood. See, I never really thought of myself as “little” and when these opportunities for me to get a hold of proof came along, I gladly took them; in this case, my email account.

But even though I honestly believed I was growing up at 7 years old, obviously, I wasn’t. I wish I had known that because for a long time, the back of my mind was filled with thoughts of waiting and wanting to become older and wiser and cooler than I was at that moment. So when I discovered Gmail, it made me feel all of those things and I loved it.  I know it’s ridiculous to think that a website could affect me so greatly but it did and that’s why it’s the best artifact I could think of to symbolize one of the most important parts of my childhood.

Coming of Age- my iPod

I’ve never felt like I’ve needed to escape

That is until now

I’ve never needed so much to forget

Some unfortunate incidents

Even only for a few beautiful minutes

If that’s what being older brings

I regret wanting it so deeply

I did, didn’t I?

I wanted it more than anything.

Now I’m there

And the freedom’s great

I can do anything and I love it

But there are complications,

Always complications.

A feeling I can’t seem to shake

So,

I blast my iPod until I can’t hear

Anything

Until my senses are numb

and the song is my soundtrack and

I pretend for a while

that everything about the world

is perfect.

I turn the volume up because I now know

That it isn’t.

That’s really

Growing

up

Final Revised Reading Response–The Starry Night

If a poem could so closely represent a painting, it would be this poem and the painting “The Starry Night”. I can't tell if Anne Sexton wrote this as herself in a state of desperation and depression or as Van Gogh during his time of anguish; either way I’m beginning to interpret what she's trying to get out, though it's somewhat hidden. As I’ve compared Anne Sexton’s poem and Van Gogh’s painting, I have noticed many deeper levels of their work and similarities between the two.

            Like anything, Anne Sexton’s poem has two sides. The poet uses harsh and aggressive words and phrases such as “orange irons” (line 8) and “The town is silent. The night boils with eleven star/… an old unseen serpent swallows up the stars” (lines 4 and 10) to describe her feelings yet what she is describing appears peaceful and quiet and beautiful. Some words stood out more than others such as “irons, boils, and swallows.” She cleverly uses these beautiful words while hiding anger within. With each stanza in this poem, the reader learns a bit more about the poet and what exactly the poet is trying to say.

           I’ve realized art can be interpreted the same way. Each time look at a painting, you can better understand the painter’s purpose and ideas. Van Gogh’s painting “The Starry Night” is also beautiful yet filled with anger and depression. When looked at from a far, a person might see swirls of colors that appeal to the eye, however when looked at more closely, a person may notice the darkness of the shadows and the wind.

These abundant similarities make me wonder how different Anne Sexton and Van Gogh really are. Both are incredibly deep and they seem to think the same way. They recognize how stunning and dazzling the world is, the sound of the wind, the glow of the stars. Yet they want to leave and throw away their sadness and weight. It seems Anne Sexton would like to leave the world based on this quote from her poem “I want to die:/ into that rushing beast of the night” (lines 12 and 13). Maybe the many black colors used in Van Gogh’s painting represent death or depression.

From this experience of comparing art and literature, I’ve learned that the two genres fit together. Anne Sexton’s “The Starry Night” and Van Gogh’s share similar themes and ideas and from this I can expect the poet and the artist are not so different from each other; their work has depth to it and this is important. It makes it possible for a reader or an observer to gain something from their interpretation; the deeper levels can change the way they look at things and help them in the long run. 

Revised Reading Response to the Starry Night By Anne Sexton

If a poem could so closely represent a painting, it would be this and The Starry Night. I can't tell if Anne wrote this as herself in a state of desperation and depression or as Van Gogh during his time of anguish, either way I seem to understand what she's trying to get out, though it's somewhat hidden. It took me a while.

            Like anything, this poem has two sides. The poet uses harsh and aggressive words to describe her feelings yet what she is describing appears peaceful and quiet and beautiful. The town is silent. The night boils with eleven stars… an old unseen serpent swallows up the stars; beautiful words just bursting with rage.

            If you think about it, the painting is beautiful yet filled with anger and depression, which makes me wonder how different Anne and Van Gogh really are. Both are incredibly deep and they seem to think the same way. They recognize how stunning and dazzling the world is, the sound of the wind, the glow of the stars. Yet they want to leave and throw away their sadness and weight. So here I am thinking I completely understand.

However, because Van Gogh and Anne are both so thoughtful, it’s not that easy. Is it ever though? Their actual messages and intentions are so hidden they may be impossible to find.

And although I’ve come to realize that everything is never as it seems in literature and art; I find it doesn’t matter. The interpretations and conclusions I’ve come to are enough to help me in life. They’re enough to change the way I look at things.

           

            I’ve never really appreciated art. I’ve looked at art through one eye; I’ve looked at it as a display. I can see through both eyes now and it’s been crazy awakening. Art means something. So thank you Van Gogh, thank you Anne Sexton. Thank you.