After starting this book, I’m beginning to put my life in perspective to others’. My small problems seem smaller compared to those of the main character in Before I Die, Tessa. She suffered from a fatal type of cancer since she was 12 years old; it’s been 4 years and she’s not the same person she used to be. It’s different now because she knows she doesn’t have much time left. Knowing death is coming, Tessa has this unshakeable feeling of desperation to experience anything and everything all at once no matter who she hurts.
You’d think in an awful situation like Tessa’s, having a loving friend and a supportive family would be most vital to her, surprisingly it isn’t. It is obvious Tessa adores her family especially her brother Cal and she couldn’t live her best friend Zoey. However, these feelings of love are hidden by other, stronger feelings. Tessa rebels against her parents, speaks rudely to her friends, and struggles to make all of their lives difficult. She puts on this act especially for her father. For example, after weeks of lying in bed Tessa generates a fight out of thin air. “ ‘Well, you’re always acting as if everything I do is wrong.’ He struggles to sit up. ‘I don’t!’ Yeah, do. It’s like I’m not dying properly…’ Dad leans on his elbows to look at me. He looks as if I hit him. ‘Don’t go. Where are you going?’ ‘Away from you.’ “(45)
Not only does Tessa feel the need to hurt the people she loves, injuring innocent strangers seems to satisfy her as well. “ I start with assault, shove my elbow hard into a woman’s back as I get on the bus. She spins round, crazy-eyed.” (119). These random acts of hate seem to be what’s keeping Tessa from falling apart. You see, as I continued reading, I’ve begun to slowly understand her. Being in her condition for so long, her unhappiness has created a wanting of pain on those lucky enough to be healthy. That’s why Tessa undergoes these impulses to create anger and chaos; she wants to feel like she isn’t the only one who is hurting; she wants to know she isn’t the only one dying.
Now, at 16 years old, Tessa isn’t even concerned about destroying herself. She silently leaves home to go to clubs and drink and try drugs; afterwards she sleeps for days. She has this idea that she’s already felt pain and devastation so now nothing can harm her. Tessa is in a trance that seems to be unbreakable. She has a carefree and daring attitude that can only lead to more trouble and complications in her life. Though she takes it to the extreme, I can see where Tessa is coming from. I’ve never had an experience anywhere close to her terrible one, yet because I’m young, I also feel invincible. I know it’s a naïve mindset but I can’t help it. Tessa’s crazy way of rebelling helps her cope with all of the thoughts of dread inside; Feeling unbeatable is just a distraction
When you’re sick like Tessa, you begin to find the simple things less important; simple things like a bad hair day or a failed class at school, things normal teenagers would get upset by. But as time goes on and Tessa lets her mind slip, even the important things like having a family and friends to love you are insignificant. This not-caring attitude will lead to a cycle for Tessa and if it continues, nothing will matter to her and she’ll lose control of her thoughts and actions. Tessa needs to wake up and appreciate what she has before it’s gone; before she realizes it’s too late to make up for her mistake; before she dies alone.
